If you have experienced sexual misconduct in the church call our confidential toll-free number 1-800-523-8390 for support.

Support For Surviors

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Experiencing sexual and gender-based harm can be a disempowering experience, but we are here to help you get the support you need. 

Being impacted by sexual harassment, abuse, or violence, can be isolating. People who are harmed often face the added emotional labor and challenges of deciding whether or not to speak up and of figuring out what to do. That’s on top of all that goes into tending to the initial harm and trauma. For victims and survivors reading this, please know that you are not alone. It is not strange or unreasonable to second-guess yourself or feel uncertain about how to move forward, but you can trust yourself, and you can get help.

There is no one way toward healing, and there is no “correct” path for seeking support and redress. Pay attention to and trust your feelings during and after the situation.

Your capacity to act may be different from moment to moment. You do not need to rush yourself, and you certainly don’t need to judge yourself for responding differently than what’s suggested here or by others. The following are strategies that may or may not be helpful to you, but we hope that they can offer some grounding if you feel adrift. The important thing is to make space for what serves you. If anything offered here does not feel right, that’s okay—it might not be for you, or it might not be for you right now.

  • Consider telling the person to stop their behavior. This can be intimidating and scary, so don’t judge yourself if it takes time to work up the courage to address ongoing harassment. Think about whether it might be helpful to have someone join you or speak up on your behalf. Creating a record (whether in writing to the offender or notes to yourself or a friend) might be useful to establish grounds for a complaint or legal action later. Once you have told a person to stop, they are on notice for harassment.

  • Think about who can support you. It’s easy to say, “Trust yourself”—and please know that you are worthy of trust—but for the moments when you just aren’t sure, and for the sake of care and encouragement, it can be helpful to reach out to a friend or confidant, counselor or therapist, or a support and advocacy organization when you are ready. Call the toll-free number at the bottom of this page if you would like to talk with someone to help think through your options in the UMC. 
  • Consider developing a list of what will be helpful to you right now, what will be helpful to you as you engage in daily life activities, and what will be helpful toward longer-term healing and accountability. It may be difficult to identify what is even possible, so you might want to brainstorm options with someone you trust.
  • What do you need to feel safe?

  • What do you need to feel supported?

  • What do you need to be able to go back to church (or work or wherever is the context of harm)?

  • Are there strategies that can make certain spaces and activities feel safer?

  • Are there people who can help implement or support those strategies?

  • What might it take to make things right moving forward?
  • Do you want an apology?

  • Do you want to know that someone understands the harm they have done and commits to ensuring it is not repeated?

  • Do you want someone to be held accountable? What might meaningful accountability look like to you?

  • Can you imagine meeting with the other person for them to understand the harm and to make agreements about how to make things right? If not, can you imagine someone else having these hard conversations on your behalf and/or mediating between you and the other person (without necessarily meeting in-person)? What would it take for you to trust that they recognize the harm and will not repeat it?
  • Keep in mind that you can ask for what you need. If and when you are ready to report what you have experienced, you can include specific requests for actions that might help meet your needs.
  • You do not have to do this alone. You are welcome to bring a supportive person with you to any conversations. If someone tells you that you must go to a meeting alone, that is cause for caution. In the United Methodist context, you have the right to be accompanied to meetings related to misconduct, and you can call us at GCSRW to advocate on your behalf. 

     

  • Ideally, you will be met with someone who understands trauma and its impacts. Ideally, if you report harm to a ministerial leader, you will be met with a pastoral response. These things might not always be true in practice, so it may be helpful to prepare to be clear about what you need. This is when it can be especially useful to have someone with you who can help listen and advocate on your behalf. 

     

  • If you are worried about whether or not what you have to share is “reportable,” keep in mind that it is not your job to know or manage procedural technicalities. It is also not wrong for you to report harm that may not meet the technical criteria for a violation of church law or policy. Even if harmful conduct does not constitute a chargeable offense, it still matters to ensure that it stops and doesn’t recur. You are right to name harm, and you are right to ask for the support you need. 

     

  • You may have to be direct about what you need, as well as what you don’t want. This is another way that having an advocate alongside you can be helpful. 

  • Remain firm in your right and capacity to ask for what you need. At the same time, it can help to be aware of what pitfalls may occur when the person receiving a report does not have a trauma-informed perspective. It is not fair that you should have to educate them, but you and/or your advocate can pay attention for whether there is truly shared understanding or if it may be necessary to insist on taking steps that are aligned to what you actually need and want. 
  • Sometimes, people and organizations have an instinct to investigate, especially in cultures with a presumption of innocence (i.e., “innocent until proven guilty”). Investigations may be important for making decisions about how someone will be held accountable, such as to revoke their membership, terminate their employment, or remove them from ministry. But, depending on your situation and desires, you may not be asking for any of these things, and still, sometimes leaders may receive your report/complaint and go immediately into investigative mode, and they might even give you “results of the investigation” weeks later. If this is not what you are looking for you, it may be helpful to say upfront, “I am not asking for [ABC]. I need help with [XYZ].” 
  • It is appropriate to expect support from the start, regardless of whether or not you also wish to seek accountability. No one needs to “prove” that something happened to you to take reasonable measures to ensure that you are safe and that you are able to access your community and opportunities for spiritual care. For example, if you make allegations that a church member harassed you, it would be appropriate for a pastor to talk to that person, explain what harassment is and the impacts of harassing conduct, provide guidance, and set expectations for behavior in the church. Such a conversation is not a “punishment” but a message that is important for each person to understand and take seriously. Likewise, if a pastor harasses you, it is appropriate for their supervisor district superintendent in the United Methodist context) to have a supervisory conversation with them to assert expectations about ethical behavior. If that’s what you want for a first step, you can be clear that you are asking for help to make harassment stop and to ensure it does not happen again. And if that’s enough, that’s great. If not, then you can proceed to more formal options, such as making a complaint.    
  • Filing a complaint may feel like an escalation or a burden on others, but it is a right that all members of The United Methodist Church have (which may be true in other organizations as well). We have a collective responsibility to strive for healing and making things right, so you are not asking for anything more than what every person is owed as a matter of dignity, respect, and care. 

  • You have rights, first and foremost, to be safe. 

  • You can advocate for what you need from the start, both for support here and now and for an outcome that serves you well (and perhaps your community too).